Reflections
by m1ss-Cheshire Cat
Summary: After being defeated by the Hulk Loki reflects on his past, and his feelings upon realising he was a Jotun. One-Shot


**Another story that just came to me when i really should be revising. This one is definately staying a one-shot.** **Reviews make my day (hint hint). Anyway, on with the show!**

He lay there, quietly, stunned at the chaos around him. He knew that his plans had failed and the Avengers had won, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He'd lost the moment he fell onto the Chitauri's cold, barren planet. He'd been lost the moment he found out he was a Jotunn. In that moment, everything had become so _so _clear; why he was never strong enough, or brave enough, or loud enough or just not _good _enough for Asguard. Why Odin always chose Thor over him. Why everyone always chose Thor over him.

In that moment it was like the sun bursting out from behind the clouds- everything became clear. He'd never stood a chance. He'd lost the moment he'd been born. Desperately, he tried to deny his fate, tried to show that he could be strong, be worthy to stand beside Thor. It had gone horribly wrong of course. He could never win at anything worthy, especially when up against is brother, Asguard's mighty hero.

The minute he accepted that fact, that he was _nothing_, that not even his own race of monsters wanted him, he decided to let go. Let go of trying, and let go of Gungnir. And he'd fallen so far, through darkness so complete he'd feared he'd gone blind. He'd fallen for so long that he almost forgot who he was. It had been a relief.

Then he'd landed, and reality came crashing down around him. The Chitauri had been intent in using him for their plans, a puppet to lead their invasion. He'd resisted at first, out of habit, and had been tortured for it. Then Thanos came, his words slithering into his mind, poisoning his thoughts like venom, trying to turn him against earth and Asguard. He knew what Thanos was trying to do of course; there was a reason why he was the God of lies. He gave in. Not because of the pathetic threats and promises from Thanos- they meant nothing to him. He gave in because there was no point not to. He didn't want to stay on this planet forever, and the attack would go ahead regardless of if he agreed to lead it. He didn't give a damn about the outcome, so it wouldn't affect him if they succeeded or not. Besides, if he agreed, the Chitauri would stop their torture. So he did.

He arrived on earth, and began to act like the maniacal, evil God everyone thought he was. To his bitter amusement, even Thor believed was fooled. After thousands of years together, he still didn't know him well enough to tell when he was acting. He almost felt like he was surrounded by cotton wool and that he was just an observer to the chaos he caused; when he spoke, it didn't feel like it was him talking and everything looked surreal.

The bubble around his world had popped a few minutes ago, when the Hulk had smashed him into the floor like a ragdoll. As he lay there in agony, he began to reflect on what he felt, trying to find something other than a hazy apathy.

The question _what am I doing? _ Popped into his head, and he realised he had no answer. He didn't really know what he was doing. Looking dazedly around at the wreckage visible from out the windows, he was shocked to realise that _he _had caused this.

_What am I going to do? _This question was harder to answer. He didn't know. He knew that he didn't want to continue down his current path. He knew he didn't want to act without a purpose anymore- it just created a feeling of indifference that was hard to escape. He needed _meaning_ in his life. So what would it be? He couldn't try to be admired in Asguard anymore. Knowing now of his heritage, he realised it had been a fruitless effort-centuries of work wasted. Trying anymore would be meaningless; it was doomed to fail, especially after his little stunt with the Jotunns.

Maybe that would be the meaning in his life- trying to find one. It surprised him how secure the resolution made him feel; he hadn't realised how adrift he had become. He attempted to stand, using the steps as support, his solution firm in his mind. Looking up, he noticed with shocked bemusement that all of the Avengers had formed a semi-circle around him- how they'd managed to 'sneak' up on him he'd never know.

His cheeriness fell slightly at the realisation that he would have to answer for his crimes before he could start a fresh life. Oh well. He was patient-he could wait. Apart from execution, nothing was worse than what he'd already been through. A fragment of conversation from earlier came to him, and smiling wirily up at the Avengers angry faces, he declared "I think I'll have that drink now" He knew he wasn't going to get it. But it served as a mental acknowledgment to his new found freedom.

**Well...Thoughts? Very drabblish, i know. My other stories won't be as much.**


End file.
